Hanoi, Vietnam: Meeting Uncle Ho

Uh oh. My alarm clock says 9:05am. We are late to meet our tour guide. But wait, false alarm! We changed time zones on our Singapore day trip but I hadn’t changed back my clock. For a confusing description of our trip route, check out Hong Kong-->Singapore-->Hanoi on a flight path. We took the two day, 6 hours route instead of the one day, 2 hour alternative. Truthfully, it didn’t make any sense. That’s what happens when you plan your trip between the hours of two and five in the morning over Skype’s one week free trial conference call tool.

We enjoyed a complimentary breakfast at Hanoi’s “Charming Hotel” (noodles for every meal), and prepared to meet our tour guide in the lobby. Lang had contacted a company called Hanoi Free Tour Guides in advance of our journey to arrange for an English speaking university student to lead us on a full-day free tour through the city. Actually, Lang contacted two free companies in the chance that one didn’t show. After all, what is their incentive? But in a leap of faith, and unsure of what we would we do if both tour guides actually showed up, he canceled one company and hoped for the other to show.

Defying all odds, at 9:05am a beautiful young girl named Duyen (pronounced Zwin) entered our hotel room. Duyen is a 21 year old third year university student in Hanoi. Actually we’d like to take this moment to give a big shout out to Duyen, her friends, and all of our new Vietnamese readers! We’ll call her Z from here on out—honestly, we never really knew exactly how to pronounce her name; the D-U-Y-E-N thing wasn’t crystal clear. She was on to our style from the beginning as the hotel receptionist informed her that we were out late last night (Big Brother is everywhere in this country)! Little did she or we know she was about to have the best day of her life.

Z planned an incredible itinerary for us: Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum, an ancient Confucian temple and a traditional Vietnamese water puppet show. Breaking up these activities were two excellent meals and snacks on the hour. What she didn’t plan was Lang’s star reception, me getting mugged and our experience with Vietnamese masseuses.

The Ho Chi Minh Mausoleum was built to house the embalmed body of Ho Chi Minh, the former leader of North Vietnam. Affectionately known as “Uncle Ho,” his body is carefully preserved for all to see even 40 some years after his death. As the only people in the country over 5 foot 8, we got some of the best views of Uncle Ho ever. Z told us that all Vietnamese citizens try to visit his body at least once in their lifetime. In addition to some great views, we took away some rice hats from the gift shop (for your last chance to win a rice hat, click HERE), and a photo that a Vietnamese man insisted on taking with Lang. First he used his own camera to snap the picture that we were posing for along the water (he didn’t like the first so he requested we stay for a second). Then he motioned for Lang to stand with him and had his family take a picture of the two of them. Either he was a big Blake Griffin fan or he was quick to recognize that Lang has the second largest feet in Asia, behind Yao Ming.

Next up was the ancient Confucian temple and university “Van Mieu – Quoc Tu Giam, Historical and Cultural Vestige.” Preserved for nearly 1,000 years, the temple is dedicated to sages and Confucian scholars and was used to train talented men to spread Confucian teachings across the nation. In the temple, we found over ten different praying sites complete with incents, brass idols of different kings, sages and teachers and receptacles to donate money. Z told us that many students pray at this temple prior to their college entrance exams for good luck. She, however, had arrived after the doors closed for the night…oops!

After we had walked for nearly three hours in the blistering hot, humid air, we sat down at Nha Hang Ngon, an incredible Vietnamese restaurant. While chowing down on rice cake spring rolls, macakarel, beef, Pho Ga and a $2 filet mignon, we talked with Z about her life in Vietnam. It turns out we have a lot of similarities: she is well aware of Rebecca Black’s Friday, she has a Facebook (and knows “10 different ways to get through the firewall”) and, of course, like us, she has fed her dog…dog. Okay, so maybe just her on that last part. Definitely a cultural thing.

In the afternoon, we aimlessly walked around the streets of Hanoi. If you’ve never been to Hanoi, then this may seem like an innocent activity. Let me assure you, it’s NOT. For every one car, there are 20 motorcycles. On these motorcycles you will find adults, kids, entire families, couples, friends and, if you’re lucky, a baby at the helm. After being amazed at how many babies had woken up early to commute to work, we spent the rest of the day trying to find the best picture of a B.O.B. (Baby On Bike). Nothing beat our first sighting of the day – a baby with a matching outfit to its mother complete with a floral print hat, riding in the front of the motorcycle and reading the newspaper (I swear). Sadly, the baby sped away before we could get out our cameras to capture the photo (can you say caption contest?).

Traffic flows two ways on every street, no matter if it’s a large intersection or an alleyway, and no one stops for anything. The creators of Frogger must have visited Hanoi (for reference material). In order to cross, you literally just start walking into two-sided oncoming traffic and hope for the best. We found that if you close your eyes, act visually impaired and walk slowly across the street; the bikers respect the bravery. For a country that absolutely needs horns, we also found it ironic that the honking makes it sound like the bikers are in a Clown parade. The horns are so frequent and in such a hilarious tone that you’d swear every motorcyclist also sells ice cream. As we’d find out, every Hanoi-ian wants to sell 6 feet tall Americans something, and would indeed sell us ice cream.

When Stevie squared stopped at an ATM to withdraw some Dong at a rate of 21,000 Dong to 1 USD, a seemingly kind, small man approached me for a shoe shine. I was wearing my beat up Sperry’s and he was very insistent. Time passes, the Steves were still at the ATM and the small Hanoi-ian is getting more vigilant about the shoe shine. He told me, 30,000 Dong. This game of hopscotch is no longer worth it, it will cost me just over a buck…I’m in! The second I let down my guard he takes my shoes off, checks the soles, realizes they are falling apart, rips the threading out, and proceeds to rethread and resole the shoes with a friend who emerges from the woodwork. It was all happening so fast, but I knew this was more than I had negotiated. After this street craftsman tears apart my shoes in front of my eyes, I fear this won’t end happily. My 30,000 Dong shoe shine has been upped to a 700,000 Dong complete shoe restoration. Z had kindly suggested I not give my shoes to this guy, so now I was on my own. I bartered it down to 300,000 and walked away. Z said since he was much smaller than us I should’ve lowballed him (we appreciated the observation). With all those bikes, you never know what shoe shine biker gang might emerge from the nearest corner shop. Was I mugged? Maybe. But I was happy. A man on the street fixed my shoes for a nominal fee. His repair came with a 10 year money back guarantee!

With brand new kicks, we had a few hours to kill so we went to the upscale Placencare Beauty & Spa for our first official massage. Lang took the Shiatsu massage, Cymerman the holistic massage, Z the foot massage and I the Thai massage. It was just like four girls spending an afternoon on the streets of Vietnam. Mani and Pedi Tuesday, holla!

After changing into our way-too-small, man thongs in the shower area, we went to the room where our masseuses were waiting for us. During the 75 minutes, Lang paused his massage to go to the bathroom (been drinking lots of water, its hot here), Cymerman asked Z how to say “Harder” in Vietnamese to which Z uncontrollably laughed for nearly five minutes and the masseuses gossiped about us the whole time. We know this because we couldn’t understand a word they said. They, including Z, were giggling the entire time and, in accordance with Vietnamese masseuses to Vietnamese tour guide code, Z wouldn’t tell us what they said. Meet the Gossip Girls of Nam. Or, as they were all married, the Real Housewives of Hanoi.

We then made our way to the Thang Long Water Puppetry Theatre for a traditional water puppet show. If you’re looking for a way to find every white person in Vietnam at once, just visit this theatre. The show was Mask and Wig style, complete with a band, and instead of men dressed as women, the actors were puppets. A beautifully choreographed affair, the show featured puppets swaying to the music and an entirely too literal program. Water puppets= puppets in water, buffalo fighting scene=buffalos fighting, horse race scene=horses racing. The last act, the climax, was spoiled by the program as we knew ahead of time that the “Carp transforms into Dragon.” This lack of suspense did not impede a rousing applause from the crowd. Z and I were on the edge of our seats through most of the performance. I asked Z if she has ever been to a real puppet show; perplexed, she responded, they have puppet shows outside of the water?

For dinner, we took Z to the highly acclaimed “69 Restaurant.” According to Asian culture, “69 is believed to have auspicious meanings and is considered to be lucky for future prosperity.” Hm. Well their language came first… Something weird happened in translation. We ordered the 9-course tasting menu, which came out to just less than $12 per person (including two Hanoi beers each) and continued talking to Z about education, politics and her background. She informed us that her mom is worried about her tour guiding job. Why, we ask? My mom thinks I’ll be with a group of foreign guys, fall in love and never come home. Sorry Z, love happens. We also met a power consulting couple of recent Brown graduates who are writing a much fancier blog (they both worked for the newspaper at Brown).

So in exchange for the tour, Z received two excellent meals, a day at the spa, a rum-coffee-ovaltine-egg yolk drink at a coffee shop, great company, and riveting conversation (and some pictures with Lang— since those seem to have some value over here). At the end of the day, Z was more of a “RentAFriend.com” than a “HanoiFreeTourGuides.com.” Without giving her the opportunity to say otherwise, we confirmed that we were her best tour group ever.

We’re off to Halong Bay for a three day, two night luxurious honeymooners cruise. Either you won’t hear from us for a few days (if there is no WiFi), or you will hear from us about five times per day (if there is WiFi). On Friday, we’ll be back in Hanoi for karaoke and drinks with Z and all of her friends!

Bon Voyage and let us know!