If a Stevie Falls in the Forest

Does it make a sound?

In our last entry the Steves and I were leaving the tropical paradise of Koh Samui for the dense jungle of Chiang Mai. We signed up for two days of ziplining, elephant riding, mountain biking, white water rafting and bar hopping. We succeeded in all but the latter.

There were only three things between us and these extreme adventures: Bangkok Airways, Thai Elections and Dengue Fever.

Bangkok Airways, the self-proclaimed boutique airline in Asia, was superb. Although Lang encountered issues since he had misplaced his Visa credit card somewhere in Hong Kong, Bangkok Air really plays up its brand. From “Asia’s Boutique Airline Lounge” for all seating classes—we ate breakfast four times on our journey to Chiang Mai, twice on each leg of the flight and in both airports—to the remote domestic destinations it flies to the preflight announcements where, even when the flight attendant announces the flight plan in Thai (he did in English, too), he says “Asia’s Boutique Airline” in English then resumes Thai.

Next were the Thai elections. Last year, when results were announced riots broke out and 90 protestors were killed. An equally contentious election this year, we were slightly worried. What if all the pilots went on strike? What if Bangkok overnight turned into Syria or Lebanon or Egypt or Yemen or Libya or…? What if the military backed incumbent kidnapped American tourists in Thailand? Well, Thai voters decisively and democratically elected their first female prime minister. Of all elections to be fixed, the one where the first female is elected clearly isn’t one of them. The incumbent conceded and congratulated Ms. Yingluck. Phew.

Last was Dengue Fever. We’re not sure what Stevie has, but with his spirits high we’re confident it’s not the bubonic plague. Unfortunately, this would cut Steve’s adventure in Chiang Mai short as he was bedridden day two here. Get well soon!

Obstacles aside, we woke up at 4am for our Chiang Mai flight and by 9am we were there ready for Jungle Flight—Chiang Mai’s premier ziplining experience. We met our two tour guides for the afternoon affair. Surprisingly, the first introduced himself as Mr. Boston. Unsurprisingly, he claimed to be from Massachusetts. He introduced us to our other tour guide, known only as Boston’s father in law. We also met a guide named Miami. Apparently he’s as knowledgeable about the Heat as Marcos Perez.

Boston, clearly from the village this excursion takes place, is Spiderman. He jumped from B52s in the military and ziplines as flawlessly as Spiderman navigates the Chicago skyline. Safety is of utmost importance when a carabineer is the only thing between you and the trees 50-120 meters below you. So when Stevie asked the guy adjusting his equipment who spoke no English whether it was safe and his friend responded, “of course, it’s his first day,” our fears escalated. We made our way to the first platform where Boston gave us our safety tutorial. Afterward, we waited for about five minutes as Boston was on his walkie talkie.

Boston quietly: “(Speaking Thai) mayday, mayday (more Thai)”

Us: “Uhh…what’s Mayday?”

Boston: “Oh nothing, just due to the rain, the tree on the second platform may fall at any moment”

Us: “What?”

[Awkward two minute pause]

Boston: “I’m kidding! We’re waiting for a couple more people.”

Sometimes it’s okay when they don’t speak English very well.

Ultimately, Jungle Flight was extremely safe and professional. At all moments, we were either attached to the tree on the platform or the zipline. You would have to go out of your way to fall. If you’ve never ziplined before, do it! You are offered an unparalleled view of the jungle and the surrounding mountains. The longest line we went on was 300 meters platform to platform. To put you in the moment, imagine going to a professional football game where the stadium is three times as long and you’re 100 meters above it zooming across the field ESPN 360-game-camera-style on a one inch wide tight rope.

We bowed out early for the night to prepare for day two in Chiang Mai sans Stevie. Lang and I first took an hour long elephant ride. There’s no way our 360 pounds can be comfortable for the elephant, but our elephant Pho Nanh was always satisfied with the bamboo sized sugarcane treats we fed him. Joining our tour was two friendly Irish women who rode a female elephant. An elephant with a similar Thai name to Pho Nanh, Tessa ate all grass, trees and sugar canes in her path.

A stark contrast to the casual elephant-back ride was the challenging mountain bike ride. Our first 100 meters of the trip were through a muddy, quicksand like, elephant and oxen dung filled moat. While we could have started where our path (a road) starts, the mud added character to our shoes, clothing and faces. We were surprised to find out that leg two of our journey was coincidentally leg 15 of the Tour De France. Although the only other bikers on the road where motorcyclists (and a few babies riding shotgun), we scaled a mile long uphill mountain. In the brochure, the pictures of this part of the tour were filled with smiles of riders on durable mountain bikes. We, however, were using Soviet brake pad free mountain bikes. Even our tour guide had never taken this route before. Needless to say, we didn’t earn the yellow jersey upon arriving to home base for lunch.

Following a classic Caribbean soul food fried chicken and rice lunch, we were off to the Moon River for a two hour white water rafting journey. Having traveled during the rainy season, we knew we were in for a ride not to mention the fact none of us (there were 12 split into three boats) had ever white water rafted, let alone on Class 4 (of 6) rapids.

Each boat was equipped with a captain and our boat consisted of Lang, two girls from Sawrey (outside London) both named Emily and me. The English speaking guide offered a comprehensive tutorial to both educate and scare us. We learned commands such as forward, backward, get down, back to work, right and left. The latter was only used in one circumstance. In the calmest of waters, our captain yelled LEFT! Everyone shifted to the left side of the boat and our captain capsized it sending us all in the water. Don’t any of you remember that the second time a new marine crosses the equator he’s hurled into the water? An oversized bug caused our second traumatic experience when it landed in our raft. Emily shrieked and jumped into the other Emily while Lang instinctively reacted jumping onto my side of the raft and jabbing his knee on my paddle. Another close call, we were back on our feet ready to conquer the rapids. While we were the C team on the river—our captain and the kayaking spotters constantly laughed at us—we were as perseverant as the Little Engine That Could. At one point, we took on enemy fire as fellow rafters splashed us. We simply paddled away; sometimes you just have to be the bigger boat.

Exhausted and back at the hotel, we had a few hours to relax before meeting up with our fellow rafters for drinks. In this night, we discovered the top three ways American tourists get sent to a Thai prison.

3. Placing a bet with the wrong guy at Muay Thai boxing

2. Not paying your Tuk Tuk driver 60 Bhat ($2)

As we mentioned, we had planned to meet the people from the tour at a bar named “The Wall.” After minor research we found the location of the bar online; it was on the bottom floor of a hotel in Old City. Our first Tuk Tuk driver, seeing the word “hotel,” took us to a hotel. 0 for 1. Our second Tuk Tuk driver didn’t understand the social concept of meeting friends at a bar and kept trying to take us to bars in general (strip bars, karaoke bars and strip karaoke bars). Upfront, we told him we’re not paying unless we get to our destination. We made three laps around the city and ended our journey within 50 meters of our pick up. We refused to pay the 60 Bhat so he cursed us off (we think). You may find us on Thailand’s most wanted. 0 for 2. Ultimately we found a large brick wall in Old City that lacked a bartender, the Irish girls, Emilys and British Fellas we were looking for. Strike three.

Irish girls, Emilys, British Fellas: If you’re reading this, we tried! We even went to the outdoor sushi stands in the market because you mentioned you had been there the night before!

1. Purchasing alcohol the only day it’s banned.

We’ve been in Southeast Asia for three weeks without encountering so much as one law, rule or even suggestion, until now. We happened to be in Thailand on the one day alcohol was not for sale. Since the national elections were controversial last year, the government wanted to minimize political unrest by limiting alcohol consumption. It had been a long day and we were hoping to relax with a Chang beer. We entered 7-Eleven. No dice. If beer isn’t for sale at bars, it’s not for sale at convenience stores. We then traveled less than a block to another 7-Eleven. This attendant didn’t get the memo. We purchased a couple beers to take back to the hotel. I was worried this may have been a Chris Hanson sting operation (too soon?) and we would be swarmed by Thai police and spend the fourth in prison. No police in sight, we enjoyed our final few hours in Chiang Mai.

Happy Fourth of July everyone!

We’ll be back in the states in a couple days. Expect one final post!